Chapter 1

Mindanao State University is more than a place for my father. It was in MSU where he met my mother. He was an Islamic Studies student that time while my mother took up BS Engineering and was a 3 years ahead than my father in terms of academic year. Both of them were scholars. During non-school days, they usually met as a group together with their “kabs”. They talked, ate together and even helped one another in many things. They acted as if they are lover when in fact; both of them had a girl friend and a boyfriend. My mom had been a loyal girlfriend to her boyfriend, while my father had so many chicks around, usual. However, despite his chick boy image, he never played with girls. He never fooled girls.

Six years before they reach to their college level, they were both an evacuees. From Dinas, Zamboanga Del Sur, my father moved to Naga because of the brutally of ILAGA and NPA that time. He just went in fishing just to earn a little amount for living. Sometimes, he travelled from IPIL to MSU and it so happened in every place he went to, he got a girlfriend. My father was, indeed, a chick boy. Once a rake, always a rake.

On the other hand, my mom and her family was also one of the evacuees who transferred to other places, just to escape from ILAGA and NPA. Fortunately, their foot brought their to MSU wherein they have a few relatives there particularly in Fisheries.

Dalagang Pilipina. This is how my mom’s boyfriend used to describe her because she couldn’t really be touched. She even told me that there rendezvous with her boyfriend was the Main library.

My mom was a silent type, and a very responsible daughter. She helped her family by giving the other part of her allowance every allowance time. Her mother is a business minded person, while her father was a carpenter in MSU. A mason. This is how my mother used to describe her father.

During college time, my father picked her (my mom) up every after her classes from the ANNEX. But my mom told me that she found no malice over the acts of my father, because in the very first place, they where both taken already, and besides, my father is happened to be my mother second degree uncle. She just considered it as a merely considered of an uncle towards his niece.

But without my mom knowing, my father was secretly in love with her. His girlfriend, on the other hand, had even no idea about my father’s real feelings for my mother. She didn’t get jealous though my father and my mother were so close to each other, because for her, the closeness of the two had no other meaning.

While on my mother’s side, her boyfriend was so jealous. He even complain if why is it that my mother and her uncle were so close together. But my mother would just say “he’s just my uncle, so don’t put a deeper meaning on it.” Then, her boyfriend would understand her right away.

Until they have finished their four year courses. They went back to Dinas. Suddenly, my father proposed a marriage to my mother. He approaches my mom’s father and since they were related in blood, my mom’s father agreed right away. So, it was an arranged marriage. Though my mom refused to that arranged marriage because she loved another guy, still she had nothing to do but to agree.

Actually, my mom’s boyfriend was scared to my mom’s father. That’s why he couldn’t approach my grandfather.

Moreover, traditional practices that time was still influential law to us MORO. So no matter how much my mom loved her boyfriend, she just sacrificed her love for him just to obey her father. My father is closer to my grandfather, they are 2^nd degree cousins. So that’s why he straight away accepted by the family. (For my grandfather, Blood relation is thicker to him.)

My mom was a phlegmatic type. Even if she didn’t like something or a person, she would still say “yes” for the sake of her family. And though she didn’t love my father, she still agreed to marry him for the sake of ALL.

But few months after, she learned to love my father. After a year, God blessed them a child. It was a baby girl. And they named her “Eilham”. She is now a Biology instructor. Then, another year had passed when a baby boy was born. My parents named him “Sultan”. He was a fresh graduate of the course BSEd Physics just this April. And now a Physics teacher. A year after, on October 5, 1987 another baby boy was born and my parents named him “Muhammad Faidz”. He is now a graduating of the course BS Com Sci.

It was after four years before my mother gave birth to her another baby girl named “Evtesam.”

CHAPTER 2

Almost midnight on April 22, 1990, my mom gave birth to me. I am the fourth child and was the black sheep of the family. Before I came out to this world, my parents were really having a difficulty in living. There were times when they were up, but most of the time, they were down. Because of that my mom decided to go abroad and my father at the same time went to Manila to look for his fortune. Since then, I was separated to my siblings. My 2^nd degree grandmother father side took the responsibility of taking care of me and my three older siblings were the responsibility of the 1^st degree grandmother mother side.

I could still remember, when my mom told me that before she went to abroad, she showed me a huge wooden frame picture (wall picture) of her and my father just so when I grew, I could still recognize them as my parents.

At my young age, I lived without my parents around. I was a mess when I ate. As a child I couldn’t properly feed myself on my own hands. The surrounding was grimy, so well as my clothes. It’s a bit like I was abandoned because I didn’t have a mother who may possibly take care of me. I could still remember that the children who were playing outside were my own siblings. It was too late for me to recognize them, that they were my brothers and sister. I was three years old that time. I used to be alone. That’s how I started to get sick. My grandmother brought me to a healer who happened to be our relative. They were so afraid that I couldn’t reach till morning because according to them, I didn’t talk. I just lay on the bed without a word as if the only person on earth was me, myself. I was just silent, that I didn’t even complain if I was in pain.

I’ve almost died, according to them. I cried every time I heard the story about it. About my childhood days.. But thanks to God that I was cured in the end. And a near relative to as took care of me after I got sick. She served as my second mother while my real parents were not around. She was already a woman of age when she took the responsibility of taking care of me. And actually, her house was like an orphanage because there so many children who lived there. And I knew that I was the favorite, and was always the “bida”. Unlike before that nobody noticed me. Loved me as how she gave care of me. But since I was the favorite, the other children envied me. They didn’t like me to stay there, but I didn’t just care about it.

I was the youngest by the way and that’s why they hated me. I could still remember one time an older boy burned my feet with his cigarette. I really didn’t know why he did it. I just stared him at one corner that time, looking at him smoking, when he suddenly just put the bonfire cigarette on my feet. I started to cry but I just controlled my tears because according to him, he would burn my feet again with his cigarette if I won’t stop crying.

Until the old woman knew about it, she got mad at the older boy and she never allowed him to stay at the house. You know what? I could still remember that during that time, the only friend of mine was the old woman. When you try to relate me to her, she was actually my 4th degree grandmother. And she really loved me like her own child. Every time she talked about my mother, she would always ask, “anung gusto mong pasalubong pagdating ng nanay mo?”

As a young one, I would always response, “ring, necklace, bracelet, earrings, gun and soldier bag, soldier watch and soldier shade.” hehe.

The same conversation as ever….

After a month, my parents have finally come back. Before that, as I went back to my grandma’s (1^st degree) house, they bought me a new dress. I had to wear it because Sharon will be coming. I didn’t still have an idea that the Sharon that they were referring was my mother.

So, until the said “Sharon” arrived. I just found out that she was my own mother. During that time, we already had our own house due to sacrifices of my mother in abroad. The whole family and relatives welcomed her so warmly. And the most awaiting part of her coming back was to see the baby girl she left before. And that baby girl was no other than, but ME. The moment I enter to our own house(they are waiting at home), my mom run towards me, hugged me so tight right away, kissed me as if it was the end of the world. I could see too much tears running on her temple as she hugged and kissed me. She brought me a lot of “Pasalubong”. She bought all of those I’ve mention I wish to have.

I was so aloof that time. I didn’t understand what’s happening around. She was my mother, they kept on telling me. and thank to God that I didn’t have the hard time to recognized her as my mom because for all my life, the people around me were kept on telling me about my mother.

As a mother who was longing for her child for a long time, she tried to make up everything to us. She never lacked of care and love for us, now she came back. She gave almost everything that we want. After one year, she got pregnant. We always went to CITY for her pre-natal check-up. I could say that the child was a lucky one, because even she was still at my mom’s womb he had already everything that he needed as he come out to this world, my mom prepared all the needs of the incoming baby. And all of us were really excited to see the baby.

April 28, 1996 in the midnight “Abdul-Aziz” was born, a baby boy.

CHAPTER 3

I was already in my first grade in elementary. My teacher was happened to be my aunt. If it was not only because of her, I wouldn’t be able to take recess because during that time, I didn’t have any amount in me. My mom couldn’t be able to give me “baon” because life was no longer as comfortable as before. However, my mom was always a hero. Imagine she would even wake up early in the morning and make waffles just so I could sell them in school. In that way, I could help my mom to earn more in order for me to have “baon” in school.

Until I reached Grade 2, I was supposed to be just a visitor during grade one, but fortunately, I’ve passed. So, I made it up! And during that year, there suddenly came a blessing from God above. But He just made my uncle as the instrument in sending His blessing to us. Through the help of my uncle, we’ve raised our own poultry. It was actually the first and one and only poultry in the 2^nd district of Zamboanga del Sur. We were into whole selling and retailing, and every municipality would depend on our poultry as the source of eggs and even chickens. Our poultry was not just composed of hundreds of chickens but a thousand of it.

And I could say that life during that time was almost perfect. We were not rich, but at least, we’ve experienced the luxury of life. My mom kept on celebrating my birthdays. We were also used to go n swimming at the beach twice a year. Every month, we would go on shopping, and every week, we would deposit a few amount on our own savings accounts. And during that year also, my mom gave birth to our youngest. It was a baby girl and parents named her “Sittie Farhanna”.

A year later…

I was supposed to be in Grade 3, but unfortunately, I didn’t take my class seriously, so I remained in Grade 2. I was a repeater. By that time, I could already get along with the class discussion, while before that I think; I was the only dull pupil in our section.

I was not supposed to attend my class because I didn’t want to see my teacher before. She really looked like a tiger—so wild face! But I didn’t just mind it at all.

Anyway, I was in section 4 during grade two (take 2), but the principal asked if why is it that I was in section 4 when my performance was supposed to be for section 1? My adviser explained it to the principal why. Besides, she didn’t really want me to transfer in section because according to her, “wala na siyang pambato” the moment I transferred to their section, so I just remain in section four.

But when I reached to my Grade 3, I was already in section 1. I was nine that time. And I could still remember during PTCA meeting when they elected my mom as the PTCA president, thinking that she had money. In just one request from the teachers would say “yes” without ado when in fact, with out there knowing, the source of our living was about to bankrupt. Many chickens died because of too much caused by the El Nino. The income decreased, until my father decided to close the business. (Year 1999...)

And it was not only the chickens that were affected, by the El Nino but also the rice fields. Our farm.. The soil dried which was the source of water. And the plants itself!.. No more business. No more incomes. Life was again, the same as it was before. We’re again on the down fall of life... L L L

CHAPTER 4

Life is really full of trials. I could still remember the time when I had to sell “kangkong” and other kind of vegetables just to earn money. During the first hour in the morning, my mom would go right away to her vegetable garden and pick some just so I could have something to sell on the day. I was still a kid that time and I was not mindful of the things that I was doing. Selling a “kangkong” was nothing to me. I was not humiliated of doing it. The only thing on my mind was on how I could help my mom earning money. That’s why at the very young age, I’ve already experienced how to work hard for living. I even cried as I saw my mom having a big problem regarding money. She didn’t know that every time she cried, I also cried. That’s how affected I was to the situation we had. I was still thankful to GOD that I had a responsible mom. Unlike my father he didn’t even be in motion when the storm is coming. He didn’t help to find a way on how we could prevail over from the deprived situation. For him as long as he could sleep, eat and talked to somebody else a day, then that’s enough. That’s how reckless my father is.

October 2000…

I was grade 4 when my older sister was in 3^rd year; she had to leave to Baguio to retain her being the 1^st honor ‘till 4^th year. Because that said “YOUTH CONGRESS” was a great points for her extra-curricular and it was a big lost for her if she couldn’t go there. But thanks to my aunt—that she is always there to save us from falling down.

June 2001, I was already in grade 5 and as always, we were still into selling anything with my mom. By that time, we already have a small store outside the campus and every program of the school or of the town; we went to the crowd and sold mango, hotcakes, etc.

I am really proud of my mom for being hard working. She did everything just so we could eat three times a day.

Until we’ve given a chance to have a space for business in the public market and that was December 2001. We rented it from the government every month. From then on, our small business went into progress. From selling of a banana que, mango and checheria, we were then into managing “Carenderia.” And thanks to ALLAH, the business is making progress. (Nakaluwag na kami sa wakas.)

Year 2002-2003…

I was in my last year in elementary. I’ve got a lot of friends whom I considered as my “barkada.” They were good influence to me, because before I used not to wear my veil. But when we became friends, I learned how to wear my veil again. In this year I realized how great it feels to have friends around.

CHAPTER 5

My life started to become more colorful than the past few years. I started to have a lot of friends, and thousand of crushes. Teasing one another with friends to a certain guy… all for fun! It was in high school where in I started to have crushes and even got my first heart beat. Though I never experienced to have a boyfriend, still I have experienced how it feels to be in love. But I didn’t let my emotions over powered me. I was just contented with a having a friend around. I had a lot of fun with them and I really enjoyed every bit of being with them. However, in any relationship, for instance in friendship, we couldn’t really avoid to have conflicts and misunderstanding among friends.

Just like what had happen between my closest friend and I. we used to be best friends for a long time, but with just a simple misunderstanding, everything ruined. Our friendship just ended up into nothing. And it brought a great sadness to my life. I realized that being high pride could not really save a relationship. Imagine, within three years we hate and snubbed each other. That could be one of the greatest mistake I ever made. Somehow, I regret, but I realized that everything was part of life’s trial. It was not right, yes but it is still okay. At least in the end I learned from my mistakes.

After all, we’ve still reconciled during second year. We reconciled not because we’re in the good terms but because of our respect to our “barkada”. We’ve already talked (assumed talk.) But the closeness was no longer the same as it was before. I realized that when a glass is broken, you couldn’t fix it again. Perhaps, that was due to being immature. And it was part of growing up—part of my life. From then on I started to hate my high school life. I was not used to cry because I guess, I didn’t know how, but in this incident, I learned how to cry. In fact, I’ve found out that I still had the capability to shed tears. I thought that I really had a cold, cold heart. But I was wrong. There’s always a tear in my heart.

The sad part here was that, during those times, I had nothing to share my feelings with. I found nobody to comfort me when I was in the dark hour of my life. I thought by just seeing my ultimate crush everything would be okay, that my gloomy day would turn into sunny… but I was wrong. Nobody could really heal the wounds not even my ultimate crush. If I was happy seeing him passing by before, then during that time, I couldn’t keep myself smiling anymore. It was like a broken heart, seems like my boyfriend broke up with me. The only different is it was my best friend who broke my heart but at was people said, “Everything must have its end. Something new must always be end.”

CHAPTER 6

Third year high school…

I considered that year as one of the darkest hours of, not just my life, but of my family as well. It was the time when we were so down in terms of living. My mom got sick—not just a simple illness but a complicated one. My father, on the other hand, went to his relatives who happened to be a Chinese, and looked for a job there. Fortunately, he was hired. But the amount he earned from his work was not enough to feed eight mouths. My sister and my two brothers were already in college that time. And I didn’t really know how my parents fed us. All I just remember was that my parents had gone through a lot of sacrifices just so we could have something to feed our stomachs.

Another thing was that, I could still remember when the smart texted me that if I wouldn’t load up my phone they would block my sim card. It was then I realized how poor really we are. Imagine, for almost a month, I wasn’t able to load up my phone. I used to have load every week before, but during that time, I had really nothing… nothing at all.

My father’s salary was sometimes delayed. So we’ve just waited for months before he can send us money. One time I really pitied my mother—I really pitied us for being nothing. My mom would just buy “bulad” and “ginamus” and mixed it with coconut and then cooked it just so we could have something to eat for a week, even a month. (Imagine?) That’s what my mother did while waiting for the “padala” from my father. Chinese were really thrifty in nature, that’s why my father couldn’t send us money every month because they were really wise in spending money.

I’ve even experienced to have fasting without eating during break time. By that time, we had really nothing to eat. Something was already happening in our stomachs, but we have nothing to keep from hunger. I couldn’t complain because I understand our situation. Silently I knew that my mother was thinking the whole night, over our worst situation. Perhaps, that was one of the reason why she suffered from a complicated illness and I really felt pity on her.

Of all the difficulties and trials that we’ve encountered within the family this one was the worst among of all. because I was already aware about the things around. And I really couldn’t really avoid having self-pity. Financial problems, emotional problems—those factors were really made me a strong person. And those were also the reasons why I learned to hate my high school life. No load, no “baon”, no friends to lift me up from falling. And that’s why I just keep away from my friends because it seemed that I did no longer belong.

However, I’ve still found new friends despite it all. They were always there when I needed them. And I could say that I became happy when they became my friends. I’ve already found myself smiling—and even found the new “me” with them.

My friends I used to know before were vanished. And I didn’t want to remember my past with my old friends anymore.

April 3, 2007, at last I’ve graduated. I was so happy that finally I’ve finished my secondary. At least I would be away with my plastic friends. It was the right time to move on, and walk along with my life.

CHAPTER 7

CBP Summer…

Thank God that my father allowed me to enroll in summer CBP. (There’s a story behind..) It was a great opportunity for me to go through in this university. I was not an alien in this place because I’ve already visited MSU before, since my sister and brothers were studying here. But still, I couldn’t avoid feeling inferior since I was not a Meranao. I felt like I didn’t belong. However, I tried to get along with Meranao people. And later on I’ve learned to cope up with their culture. In fact, I had a lot of acquaintance who happened to be a Meranaos. They were all nice, but there were still those who were so high pride. However, I just didn’t mind them. What’s important was that I was admitted in this university though I didn’t get it during summer CBP. I knew it from the beginning that I would be failed. That’s why I didn’t feel excited in getting the result card because I knew that I was failed. And it was really, really true! I did my best, but it seemed that my best wasn’t good enough. So when, my mom called me up on the phone and asked me about the result, I just answered her with a crying voice and she got the message right away.

I suddenly realized how insubstantial I am in math. Perhaps, my foundation in high school has something to do with it—why? Because I came from a low standard school. I mean in public school, in which such is expected to be inadequate in learning. The learning ground was so poor. And besides, I didn’t take my math seriously during high school because I got uninterested to it. Math was one of my enemies in terms of academic. So when I enrolled for CPC, I really promised to myself that by this time, I would make my performances even better. But before that, before I enrolled in CPC, I went home first, or course. I did most of the households just to my parents would allow me to proceed in my schooling. At first, they didn’t want me to continue my study for accordingly, they couldn’t support me financially. But I still insisted. I didn’t take “no” for an answer especially when it comes to my study. No matter how my mom discouraged me to not go back to I MSU, still it didn’t work, because I really didn’t want to stop. Though I wasn’t that smart, still I loved schooling. I’d still have a lot of things that I want to do in my life and I knew that the only way for me to make them come true will be education. And this was the reason why I am still struggling for my study because I wanted my parents to be proud of me someday.

I want the word to see that I can be what I really want to be!